Are you there God? It's me, Lara. I know we haven't spoken in a while, I've been really busy marrying a gay man and taking my clothes off for French Vogue. Which is art, so I know you'll understand. I swear, I didn't take them off for Playboy, I know you wouldn't like that, and I promise that CK Jeans ad wasn't meant to look that rapey.
Anyway, I was wondering if I could talk to you about the direction of my career? I know you have a plan for me and all, and I totes respect that, your being omniscient and all. I was just wondering if just maybe you might have made a slight error in judgement with the whole DKNY Be Delicious thing? I mean, I know you want the best for me, but it's a perfume in a bottle shaped like an apple. And I look terrible in the TV commercials. And, well, I mean, DKNY? Really? That's really what you want for me? Because I don't think it's been what anyone wants for themselves since about 1994. Obviously, props to Donna for inventing the body, and for putting opaques back on the map, but she kinda peaked right there. And I'm just not ready to. If you could give this matter some thought, Lord, I'd be really grateful.
