Elle's belles

First off, apologies for the insanely cheesy post title, a very flippant way to refer to the undoubtedly very worthy recipients of Elle's 2011 Style Awards, but it's an homage to the words of Erin Kaplan from The City, which obviously makes it ok.

So even more obviously, Alexa Chung was there, presenting no less, as it is now the law that no fashion event in the UK take place without her blessing. And that's fair enough, given that she is making my two least favourite Spring/Summer trends, the frumpy midi skirt tempered by the "sexy" baring of stomach, actually look pretty decent. But I'll need a lot more convincing than this. For that I will need to see a human being who is not Alexa Chung look good in them, considering this woman makes me give pause for thought over whether dungarees might be a good idea.

The more I look at this, the more I see how hideous the outfit actually is, but the better she looks. And hence, the aforementioned law makes perfect sense.

Ah Blake, always ready just in case there's someone at the party you need to shag in the loos. Ten bucks says there are no knickers under that Pucci dress. Although unless she's got a thing for David Gandy, the designated token straight male at all these events, she may well have wasted her leg wax.

We haven't heard much about Mark Fast since the infamous fat model debacle, and this just proves that his dresses do in fact look better on people who are not a size 14. I mean duh, it's semi-sheer knitwear, and crochet is no friend to flesh. It's loving Caroline Sieber though, who easily gets my vote for best-dressed of the night.

We all know who this is, looking cheap and provincial as ever, and at least one of us is wondering why people insist on humouring her delusion that she is any way stylish.

Courtney Love and her bod are looking bitchin in Givenchy, but it still makes me sad. Because when it comes to Courtney, all I ever want to see her in is her '93 kinderwhore finest. If it's not a satin slip, fishnets and a plastic tiara, I just can't care that much. Which says as much about my ability to move on as this excellent look does about Courtney's. I can't help it, that look was formative for me.

It's all too short; the hair, the dress, everything. Unless Hermione is getting into character as an ice dancer who got too chunky to compete but just can't let go of the costume. I'm way over the nude shoe cliché thing too. Blah blah blah stylist's favourite trick. Whatever, it's just all a bit footballer's wife these days. 50 points from Gryffindor, and from whatever house Hakaan is in. I'm guessing Slytherin, as you'd need sinister abilities to design something that makes Emma Watson of all people look chunky.

For the love of god Emma Hill, you could have made an effort. Designing Mulberry bags can't be that tiring, they all look pretty much the same.

This looks like something you'd wear on a cruise to showcase the new boobs your husband bought you with his retirement fund, but it's Thandie Newton, the most beautiful woman of all time, and the world has yet to birth a designer who can make her look bad.

Crystal Carrington is ready to par-tay!

This is Noomi Rapace (nope, me neither) in Burberry, and I seriously love it, but for the fact that it is, again, way too short. I mean, I have no idea who she is but I feel we're on a level of acquaintance a mere inch below that she enjoys with her gynaecologist. Oh, god, I think I just became old.

I always think it'd be really awkward to have a best friend who was a crap designer, whose crappy designs you'd feel obliged to wear. Luckily in the case of Pixie Geldof and Henry Holland, this is never a problem, because she likes dressing in crap.

I love what Karen Gillan is wearing. The problem is, I love it so much that I wear it most Saturday nights to go to Nice n Sleazy's and drink two quid White Russians, as do about half the other people there. So it's just a bit underwhelming on a red carpet. I have a vision that Karen could be the Scottish Olivia Palermo (well, the second one, after this lady) so I'm hoping she sees this (because, y'know, all Scottish people know each other) and is inspired to step up her game and truly reprazent.

I've read a fair amount of discussion over Ellie Goulding's new hair, but why is nobody mentioning the Ronsealed elephant in the room? Her new skin.

Helena, you're prettier than this. You're prettier than, well, anything, in the whole world, still.

WHY WHY WHY are you here??????

Alice Dellal, Nick Grimshaw and Alexa, partying like it's 2009 and two out of the three are still relevant.

And speaking of clutching at glory days, the 90s ladettes were out in force...

Donna Air has gotten seriously pretty, but what else has she been doing the last decade? Boldly going where no Malibu Barbie has ever gone before, by the looks of things.

In her own mind Laura Bailey is still the prettiest sixth former at boho school, but someone should really tell her she graduated in 2003, the gap year decade is over and it's time to head on home and go to uni or get a job.

Boobs McGee brings the classy, as always. I know I keep asking this, but can someone please tell me what she's got to do with fashion again, because her stint on BNTM did nothing to explain it. Episode after episode she'd refer to these mysterious runway appearances/shoots with "top photographers", and for the life of me I can't recall ever seeing any of them.

Yawn yawn yawn granny chic ladylike red lipstick moon face quirky yawn yawn racks of this polyester shit in Armstrongs yawn yawn mumsy what was that one song you had again? oh yeah, murder on the DAAHNCEFLOOR yawn yawn yawn

And the winners were....

Best International Designer - Tom Ford (schwing)

Breakthrough Talent - Noomi Rapace

Best British Designer - Christopher Kane

Best Model - Coco Rocha (the you got skinny award)

Best Actor - Stephen Dorff (sigh)

Best Actress - Natalie Portman

Best TV Star - Blake Lively

Best Accessory Designer - Emma Hill

Musician of the Year - Cheryl Cole (musician?)

Best Jewellery Designer - Dominic Jones

Next Young Designer - Meadham Kirchoff (bravo)

Elle Style Icon - Hermione Granger

Outstanding Contribution to Fashion - Helena Christensen

THE SHAME

Ugh. So I stayed up to see the Baftas red carpet looks last night. Which is at least two hours of my life I'm never getting back.


Obviously nobody was ever going to make too much effort, given that they're British and this is a serious British award decided by British people, so it's ok to wear something calf-length with sleeves and a collar.


But that hardly rules out looking halfway decent, which nobody did. The lesser amount of glitz associated with the Baftas actually had me looking forward to it, given that the looks should in theory have been more wearable and more fashion-based. THEORY turned out to be the operative word. Seriously, my best-dressed of the night goes to Andrew Garfield. A boy. In a suit. Who pretty much only got the award because I am deeply in love with him.


Ask yourself, if you had zero budgetary or logistical restrictions placed upon what you could wear, would you pick any of these?

Style-wise, being my favourite Girl Aloud is still like being the best house on a bad block. And Ashish? Really? You'd think as the E! host, Kimberley Walsh would know this wasn't the Soap Awards. And ps, is she drunk?

Ginny Weasley in Clements Ribeiro. We get it, you're all grown up now, you and Harry have kids so you've definitely lost your V plates. Why not try dressing like you are, say, 25, before heading straight to 79-year-old territory?

Hailee Steinfeld rocking the same god-awful Prada grandma crap that always makes Carey Mulligan look like she has a stick up her ass. And I had such high hopes after her moment of glory in Prabal Gurung at the Golden Globes. You've got one more chance kid, and it's called The Oscars, which gives you two weeks to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Hermione in Valentino's gran's lace curtains. Are we sensing a theme yet people? PREMATURE AGEING. Give nonna back her curtains Hermy, but see if you can maybe borrow her wig.

Even Bellatrix Lestrange has let me down. Because it's NOT BAD ENOUGH.

Thank the lord then for Sarah Harding, who came as an ageing East End prostitute on the point of accepting her days of turning tricks are numbered and turning madam, and Minnie Driver, who apparently moonlights as an elderly cruise ship singer, with her jaw accompanying her on keyboards.


What were either of them even doing there? I doubt whether anyone handing out Baftas saw St Trinian's, and when was the last time Minnie Driver appeared on any screen anywhere outside of the homes of people who own the Good Will Hunting DVD?

Rosamund Pike is off to Abigail's Party.

Eva Green (I think she was a Bond Girl with twenty minutes of screen time about six years ago) clearly thinks she is sexy enough to pull this off. She is not.

Jessica Alba looks nice, but who cares? Looking nice is hardly a compliment, and it's Jessica Alba. She always strikes me as one of those celebs who are just really really dumb. Like she's only an actress (kinda) because she was the exact precise combination of stupid, pretty, toned and just under regulation catalogue model height to rule out all other options.

So basically everyone looked like total crap. And I've spent a fair amount of time asking myself why, and what in the hell happened, and whether world order will ever be restored, but as to the former maybe we'll never know, and as to the latter, we can only hope.

And breathe............

One thing I have gained from this experience though (and I think it's important that we take something from it), is the certainty of what I have long suspected. That most people writing about fashion talk absolute crap, most of the time. I have read acres of gushing rubbish all over the internet about how great some of these people look. And nobody could possibly actually think that.

Don't trust Rodarte

Ok, so I'm back off Rodarte. I've never been a big fan, filing them under: Emperor's New Clothes, sub-section: Slightly pointless labels whose collections always look exactly the same, are not something I would ever wear, and get way too much hype, plus what the hell is that extra piece of material there for.

I was, however, as excited as most people when I heard the Mulleavy sisters were to design the Black Swan costumes, thinking that while their floaty and extraneous-use-of-chiffon-and-sashes aesthetic is not something I see much need for in real life, it would translate beautifully into ballet costumes.

And they were gorgeous. But the label's attitude to their involvement in the film's costume design, less so...

Read an interview with the film's actual, credited costume designer HERE at the brilliant Clothes On Film.

And now, some celebrities looking stupid in Rodarte to hate on, in light of this news: